NDE as a result of an existential crisis.
I was 15 years old and very unhappy. It is 1977.
My father and step mum did not have a great marriage, but stayed together nevertheless.
I had one brother, one half brother and a step sister almost my age- this was from my step mum’s previous relationship.
In subtle ways, one child was favoured over another. My step sister was her mum’s favourite. My half brother became my father and step mother’s pet (their son) and my eldest brother and I were tolerated, but not beloved at all.
My brother and I regularly and systematically were the target of bullying when frustrations needed to be taken out. This gave a constant feeling of loneliness. A hit in the head, being locked in the basement (secretly dinking lemonade or making cat noises so they came out to look), or in the corner with hands on your head; it was an all too common occurrence, not to be speaking of neglect. Luckily I did have my own brother and maybe that’s the reason why I kept going, despite all that was going on. Meanwhile I convulsively held on to my singularity, which I cherished like a diamond. Nobody would take that from me.....
My father worked hard, even on Saturdays, and did not appreciate any talking back. If one dared, it would be met with swearing and cursing. My step mum even had her favourite comeback of ‘Keep silent!’. Or ‘You have nothing to ask for!’, or she would punish you by withholding pocket money. Because I was so Highly Sensitive, I experienced all the comments and yelling much more intensely, and began to conform myself to this out of self-preservation.
My parents did not have a clue about my High Sensitivity, and I myself wasn’t aware of this either.
My parents thought a hard hand was the best teacher to be able to participate in society. Aged 4, I had an OBE: Out of Body Experience. I was attending a border school and slept in some sort of cot. One night, I fell out and broke my collar bone. The pain was so strong that I experienced a spontaneous OBE. For a while I floated beneath the ceiling, and saw myself laying on the floor. I can remember this like it was yesterday, but have no idea how long it lasted for. When I spoke about this at home with my childish naïveté, I was shamelessly laughed at.
I was constantly wary, looked my father and step mum in the eye at all times to gauge the mood. I didn’t feel safe, as I knew that at any moment I could expect a gust of comments, a humour they shared between themselves, about us.
My father had high expectations and sent my to the Higher Technical School when I was 14. Due to my situation at home, I wasn’t able to do very well at languages and failed this. My father had promised to help me out with school work, but he never made time for this. He would either be too tired and slouched down in his chair to watch TV, he didn’t have time, or wasn’t interested; so I never received help. I failed my final exam (June 1977) and anticipated the mood I would face coming home with this news. What I wanted most was to run away as fast as I could, never to return home- but I had nowhere to go. I felt horrible having failed my exam.
My father committed unspeakable activities with my step sister in the years running up to my 15th birthday. From a place of sheer frustration, my step mum would commit incest with me and my brother. (Please refer to the book: Steven de Batselier: Impasse; -about sadomasochism as foundations of a love life between two partners).
It was only every once in a while, but it added to the abuse. Being beloved- something which every child has a right to- was lacking. With thanks to past therapy sessions, I have been able to process and deal with a lot of this. The feeling of love for everything around me has never left.
Just before my NDE, the following was unfolding.....
My father had removed all his clothes while he was in the bedroom, and called my step sister, who was in the room next to him. My sister of 15 years old was in shock, ran downstairs where we were, and told my step mum what was going on. She was upset. This was it, and my step mum finally confronted my dad. My brother and I had to stay, and witnessed how the family landed in a deep crisis. The confrontation caused me to feel dazzled, I felt like I was going to faint. This was another thing to add... When the ‘storm’ settled, I sought shelter in my room in the loft, jumped in bed with my clothes still on, pulled the duvet tight over my head and landed in a slim funnel.....
I started to fall deeper and deeper, it seemed endless. With unknown speed I tumbled into a deep dark hole.....
It just kept on going.....
As I fell deeper and deeper, I saw more and more beautiful colours in my field of sight. Slowly things became lighter. All the tension faded, my anxiety slowly started to disappear. A loving atmosphere came over me, I had no idea where it came from. It was definitely out there, slowly I became aware, and after a while I took it all in. It kept getting more intense, until I completely absorbed it. The funnel turned in to a narrow tunnel that got brighter and brighter. I saw increasing amounts of pastel shades, rotating fields of energy that twisted in every direction, spiral-like shaped in multiple shades of pastel colours, a warm and loving atmosphere and all my anxiety and stress disappeared, for the first time in my life I felt safe.
Some time later, the tunnel got wider, and lighter, from orange to light yellow, to Napels yellow which faded into white ivory. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I was standing in a field with endless flowers in countless colours and shades, but not colours you see here on earth, everything was light, with an ivory white shining through. I could hear music, something in between light classical music and the music of Paul Vens. Everything was clear and bright but it didn’t hurt my eyes, because the light was also in me, I ‘was’ the light. The atmosphere of love was so strong that I consumed it like a hungry lion. My emotional neglect as a child on earth offered reasons why couldn’t get enough of this enormous cloud of Love. When I had roamed through the breathtaking scenery of flowers and Love, a number of bright beings appeared, who carried an even bigger cloud of love with them. However, every time I tried to get closer, they backed away. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get to them to also absorb this glorious Love.
To my great surprise, all bright beings told me so tender, compassionate and lovingly- almost in unison- to go back, and not to come closer. This was unbelievable for me, but they promised me that an angel would be with me, and would guard me because I was having a tough time on earth. Can I not just stay here?
BOOM!!! And just like that, I had to get up in the morning, back in the middle of this miserable family. Angry I was, so angry! Unbelievably angry, and then this soft, compassionate voice whispered in my ear:
‘I am with you’
Was this the Angel they had sent? Was this supposed to get me through? Instead of a human being of flesh and blood, who could protect and hug me to give me security, I now had a little cloud of energy and love that was somewhere near me. It would follow me everywhere.
When I completely returned from my NDE, something big had changed. I suddenly started to keep a diary, and I was extremely clairvoyant. I absorbed so many impressions, more than from the Highly Sensitive perspective, I felt people’s mood so clearly and was quite confused about all of this. I brought people to tears because I could pinpoint exact weak spots, and was forced to keep quiet.
I didn’t have a healthy EGO because of the abuse and emotional neglect; I was preoccupied with others instead of thinking about who I was. That process started only when I escaped the abuse in my parental home at 23 years of age. Between the NDE and my 23rd birthday, I got depressed because I couldn’t talk about it with anyone. I was met with strange looks when I would speak about clairvoyant issues out loud. Often I could tell exactly how someone was feeling. I would complete sentences of other people’s stories. I saw through anyone who had it in for me, and wouldn’t fall for any tricks. I ended up quite isolated as this was how I lost many friends. The up-side of being alone was that I could finally find my own identity again.
The lack of support from my parents lead me to read books about psychology, philosophy, sociology, spirituality and parapsychology, as well as wise masters like J. Krishnamurti:
especially his ‘statement’ of the ‘radical change’ really impressed me.
In these books I found all the answers my parents couldn’t give me, at times finding these would feel like a real revelation, an awakening.
The insights into life followed each other quickly.
Through my openness towards NDE and a weakly developed EGO, I could absorb a lot of the wisdom in these books.
It was here that I found how my family structure was so very complicated.
Time after time, my own thoughts were supported and confirmed
Later on, I sought therapy every once in a while, to deal with the pain of years of abuse- successfully.
I started to write poems, created wax crayon and pastel drawings, and kept a biographical diary.
The clairvoyance never left me, but I have learned to shield my energy. This has taken me a very long time, and resulted in problems at work. Now that I’ve found a better balance, it has brought more inner peace- something which I could not do without in my field of work. I was able to minimise the impressions to an acceptable level, which brought balance to my comings and doings. Meeting the right person was vital. One step at a time.
I was attending readings to make contact with unknown areas, and I was curious about many.
This Angel has never left, I felt much less lonely. It whispered important messages at critical times. I usually hear it, but sometimes the pain of my childhood abuse made me unable to. At times I didn’t want to hear it.
An example: a few years ago, I lost my permanent job because of my crisis. I could feel it coming, and was overwhelmed with stress.
My Angel said:
‘This is a transition to something different’
I thought: ‘Ok.’
One day before I got fired, my Angel said:
‘Don’t worry, there’s enough work elsewhere!’
To the surprise of my colleagues, I entered the final meeting with a smile. Despite the crisis, I found another job only a couple of weeks later. My Angel was right yet again.....
Though the gap between the materialistic world, and how I felt got bigger and bigger. The technical job circuit is no place for altruism, you’ll be declared insane- egocentric rules here.
It was only when I discovered the Merkawah foundation seven years ago, that I felt at home in myself. After this I found that my clairvoyance comes under the name of a ‘trance-medium’. This is when I started to do ‘readings’,
Amorinda of the Eternity.